As I was sitting in church the other week, I took my time to look around. I’m typically in the back, so I have a perfect position to survey the sanctuary.

No matter what church I’ve been to, there’s a universal seating arrangement: age groups stick together. The youth sit in one section, middle-aged folks sit in another, the old folks sit in another section, and the even older folks sit in another. If you go to church and you’ve never noticed this before, look for it next week.

Something else you may notice too is that, unless you’re at a mega church, it’s likely that there’s an age group missing. Look around, and you may find the 25ish-35ish group pretty scarce. You may also know them as Millennials. And the ones you do find are typically the ones who are heavily involved in the church or are in ministry. You don’t see a large group of casual church attendees in that age range like you see for every other range.

Why is that?

The internet is full of answers to this question. No seriously, google it. You’ll see page after page after page declaring the answer to this question. But none of them truly get to the heart of the problem.

They usually list a bunch of grievances or generic answers. The worship isn’t relevant enough. The worship is too relevant. The pastor is too seeker-friendly. The pastor isn’t seeker-friendly enough. They had a bad experience. They aren’t “feeling” it. You’re smart—you get the picture.

The answers are endless because no one has explored the root issue. They’ve been trying to diagnose an issue based on symptoms instead of causes. The real reason Millennials are leaving the church is because Christians don’t know what Christianity is.

What does that even mean? You probably already know intuitively, but you just haven’t realized it. Most of the time, whenever a Christian tells someone that they’re a Christian, they usually follow-up with a disclaimer that they’re not one of those Christians. Christians already subconsciously acknowledge that’s there’s Christianity, and then there’s “Christianity”.

Have you ever noticed that every Christian thinks they aren’t one of those Christians? In order to explain this, I’m going to briefly touch on some Church history, but stay with me. It’s important.

How does the Bible define the word Christian? Where did that word even come from? Have you ever looked for the word Christian in the Bible? It’s there. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

So, as I’m sure you stopped reading to search yourself, you’ve found that the word Christian is in the Bible just three times. The first time is to tell you that the word Christian was coined in Antioch, the second in a discussion between Paul and King Agrippa, and the third in a letter from Peter saying not to be ashamed to suffer as one.

So the answer to how the Bible defines Christian is…it doesn’t. And this is the root of the problem: Christians are building their religion around a moving target. Since their handbook doesn’t define it, they can choose to define it however they want. If you’ve ever wondered how you can have Christians on every side of any issue, look no further than this. This is why every single Christian can point out those Christians and be absolutely correct in saying that.

So where did that word come from? Way back in the first century, the first Christians did not call themselves Christians. This was just one of the names given to them by the Romans in Antioch (which was in modern-day Turkey), and it was derogatory in nature, much like today’s racial slurs. The first Christians actually called themselves disciples who followed what the Jewish leaders called The Way. It wasn’t until decades later that they took on this name for themselves, turning what once was a derogatory term into a badge of honor.

The difference between being a Christian and being a disciple is that one title is very ambiguous, and the other has absolutely no wiggle room.

A disciple is one who adheres to his (or her) master’s teachings. A disciple is one who looks at a situation and doesn’t apply what he thinks is right, but what his master thinks is right. A disciple is one who is willing to suffer disgrace and harm on behalf of his master. A disciple is one who would die to themselves that they may live in their master’s will.

So, how would you recognize a disciple of Jesus? What does Jesus think is right? What is his will? The answer is very simple. On the last night before his death, Jesus knew his time was short, and he wanted to sum up his life’s work to his disciples in one principle. If you can understand this passage, you can understand everything Jesus taught:

As soon as Judas left the room, Jesus said, “The time has come for the Son of Man to enter into His glory, and God will be glorified because of Him. And since God receives glory because of the Son, He will soon give glory to the Son. Dear children, I will be with you only a little longer. And as I told the Jewish leaders, you will search for Me, but you can’t come where I am going. So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are My disciples.”

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John 13:31-35 | NLT

Is this what Christianity is known for? Their love for others? Not just any kind of love, but the same love the Christ showed them? Spoiler alert: his love led him to a cross. No, the love most commonly found in Christianity is their love of their religion. They’re too busy telling you about their values instead of valuing you. The Church is no longer full of Christians, but modern-day Pharisees.

This is the core root of why anyone leaves the church. Christians are too busy telling people to change so that they can join the club. Jesus never did that. He simply said follow me, and allowed his example of unconditional love to change His followers.

Christians say if you’re homosexual, you aren’t welcome to the club.
Jesus said follow me; I came to seek and save what was lost.

Christians say if you have an abortion, you’re a murderer.
Jesus said follow me; it’s not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

Christians say if you’re the wrong race, you won’t be comfortable at this church.
Jesus said follow me; whosoever believes will have eternal life.

Christians say if you don’t believe everything like we do, you’re wrong.
Jesus said follow me; I am the way, truth, and life.

Christians say if you have doubts, you aren’t welcome here.
Jesus said follow me; all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed.

Christians say if you’re a sinner, you need to change before you can be one of us.
Jesus said follow me; I gave my life as a ransom for many.

There are those of you who read those lines, and it stirred something inside of you. To those, I would ask you to give Jesus another chance. Don’t blame him for something a Christian did. Figure out what he actually taught. If you follow him, you will be challenged, but you will not be condemned.

There are others of you who read that and were angered that I wouldn’t call out sin for what it is. To those I would remind you that it is his kindness that leads us to repentance. No one leaves the church because they were loved too much. They leave because room wasn’t made for their doubts, or their struggles, or their appearance, or their [insert issue here]. Being a sinner does not disqualify you from following Jesus: in fact, you can only follow if you are a sinner. We are to extend the same love that Christ did. His love was demonstrated for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Yes, love demands we tell the truth, and sin will always eventually be addressed, but love is patient, and love is kind. It is not envious, or boastful, or proud. It does not dishonor others, and it is selfless. It is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn’t delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. These are the traits that Christ demands be on display if you are to be one of his disciples. Not your belief, though it is important. Not your doctrine, though it is important. It’s your love for others that best demonstrates your love for God.

This problem is not new. It’s just that Millennials have been the most recent target of a church that has always increased its use of dogma and doctrine as weapons to attack instead of values to model since it was declared the religion of Rome. That was when the Church began to use its power and politics to spread Christianity, instead of using the love that Christ showed each and every one of us to make disciples of all men.

Until the Church gets this right and becomes disciples instead of just Christians, it will continue to leak more and more of the younger generations, until, one Sunday, I’ll look around and only see one age group.

Now, this is just part one of a two-part series. What’s the second part? It’s about why Millennials are wrong about the Church. Wait, what? It’ll be fun.